Well the Married Life Just Isn’t Fitting

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I’ll take “Mimosa for 25.”

I’ve been putting this off until we had a little getting to know each other under the belt. I’ve mentioned before that I’ve lived—and not just surface level, little guy, I’ve truly lived. I’ve climbed mountains. I’ve ridden horseback to secluded lakes. I’ve hiked into the Grand Canyon. I’ve experienced two careers. I’ve re-imagined myself and created it, twice. I’ve experienced drugs and sex and alcohol; I smoked cigarettes for 12 years. I found God once, and lost him again. I’ve been truly hurtful, and I’ve experienced true misery at the had of others. (with some help from myself, naturally) I’ve also been married, almost twice. But I will save the latter for another time.

When I was in high school I was a confused young boy. That’s the thing about high school that adults always tell you but you never want to hear, we’re all confused young boys—In many respects I still am. But you have to make the best decisions with what you have. There are others that know better than you, but you cannot or will not listen to them, because you are the captain of your ship. You call the shots and you are only equipped with the tools you’ve collected along the way. It’s totally cool, everyone has been there, and I will do my best to remember myself as a child. It will do us both good.

So I had this pretty blond girl that started giving me some attention, but only enough to distract herself from her own poor relationship. It started with touching pinkies, because I was too chicken to move too quickly, and at this age you should be a chicken or you aren’t doing it right. She was funny, instantly relatable, she laughed at my jokes. I was hooked. It only took 6 years to figure out that the relationship wasn’t meant to be.

mandlebrot set - it sucks to grow up

Just take a point called Z in the complex plane (Alternate: Take a point called C…)
Let Z1 be Z squared plus C (Alternate: Let Z1 be zero squared…) (or: …plus Z)
And Z2 is Z1 squared plus C (or: …plus Z)
And Z3 is Z2 squared plus C (or: …plus Z) and so on Mandlebrot Set – Jonathan Coulton

You see, I didn’t know when a relationship was supposed to end. I still have a problem with that, because sometimes you just handle it. You allow yourself to see the positives more than the negatives and you lose yourself in the process. It happens slowly, and usually with external factors included which cloud the fact that you’re not the person you used to be. Mine came along with a career (#1), graduating high school, moving out, etc. But after awhile I realized I wasn’t having fun anymore. I tried to break it off twice. But I wasn’t strong enough for us both to stick with it.

We eventually got married because that’s what you do when you’re together for 5 years. It wasn’t because we’re terribly in love, had so much in common, or just loved each other. We were complacent. We were weak. We thought maybe just this next step will change things, we’ll be stronger, we’ll be so desperately in love. But it doesn’t work that way. People don’t change, they just adapt.

There is a long story (I could summarize it pretty quickly, but it wouldn’t do you any good) about how we finally realized it was no longer working. But she was, in her own way, strong enough to do something about it. Some would say it was using a crutch, but I still really believe it takes help to break off something so long-term. I could’ve leveraged friendships later on, but that wasn’t available to me at the time. The problem is we had started a life together, bought a house, started planning for the future, as it seemed at the time. The separation was easier than expected. I don’t remember when we stopped speaking, officially, but I only spoken to her once in almost 10 years: the day we went to the court to finalize out divorce.

Enough time has passed now that we may not recognize each other. Perhaps things would be different as we grew older. But you don’t go backward because that impedes progress. And if you come to learn anything throughout your life, I hope you find that every day you become a better version of yourself, but you have to work at it. Otherwise you could find yourself in something of a pickle—think less dill, more shit.

Sometimes your balls get stuck, buddy.

Sometimes your balls get stuck, buddy.

The fallout after a relationship is always worse than the breaking up part. Fingers, still singed, point the fingers anywhere but inward. I did the same thing. But I realize now where I made my mistakes. I am also confident that I never learned my lesson. In some ways I am still the young man I was 10 years ago, but I can drink legally, so that’s an improvement, I suppose. The truth is, I am something of a relationship failure, as can be demonstrated in current circumstances.*

So many years have gone by, I can barely remember her face, my ex-wife. I can also confidently say, at this point, that the marriage was only a piece of paper, and holds very little legitimacy in the realm of adultishness. (I make up words, but that’s a good set of suffixes) It’s easy to say marriage is bullshit. It may very well be, but I’m not convinced yet, kiddo. I don’t have the correct formula yet, but one day I may find it. You’ll know it when I do.

*more on your mother and my shortcomings at a later date

 

 

 

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