So we’re on month 2 of being a single dad, kiddo. We typically have a lot of fun. We’ve gone to the park, which kicks some childhood ass by the way, and you make me chase you everywhere. You’re getting faster, or I am getting slower. We go swimming, hit up the grocery store like gangsters for some yogurt and bayayas (“bananas” if you’re a dick), and you blow kisses to all the hunnies like the best wing man. But doing this alone (at least 50% of the time) is hard—I’m sure your mom feels the same way, but since I write this motha’ fucka’ I get to give you my own perspective.
Look for the… Bare Necessities
Times, like tonight, when you’re in my arms and giggling while I am kissing on you, and things are just incredible. Other times, like when most people are asleep, when I have a hard time winding down. I get lonely, really. Despite having a vast amount of media and websites to visit, nothing really compares to having human interaction, which I don’t really get as often as I should. I am going through a phase right now, which I have gone through before: depression, I suppose.
Since you are my child, you may inherit some unfortunate aspects of my family tree. Substance abusive issues, neurosis, fatness, baldness, and being self-centered. I suffer from these things, except the baldness, which skipped my generation. None of this is really an excuse to wallow, more importantly the opportunity to persevere. But sometimes you’ll need help to do that. Once before, when I was going through a similar situation (separation, etc.) it was much easier because I was 23. Now I am 31, and despite my objections and best efforts, I am getting older.
There was this thought, that when I finally got my own place that things were going to finally be different, easier. They have had the exact opposite effect. I am land-locked. Not because of you, kid. You’re the best. But because I am a product of my situation, my decisions. I have created this life for myself. Generally, I am pretty happy with it, but sometimes the twinge of darkness settles in and I get in a funk. At this very moment I am in a funk.
There are so many bills to pay, so many miles to drive, relationships to balance… Honestly all the responsibilities of doing this alone and being on my own are probably keeping me buoyant. But there’s a lot of stuff, and hopefully it all settles down after awhile. I am looking forward to being settled. I have a chronic issue with looking toward the future for my life to be fulfilled, and I don’t take the steps to make sure it’s done on my own. I suppose that’s something I should work on.
What’s Happened Before Will Happen Again… Cylon Bastards.
When I was at this before, the reemergence of singlehood, I was a mess for a couple years. I realize I am in that same situation now, the messy part. But this time I have something to hold onto, and that’s you. You fill up my days when I have you; keep me on my toes; make me less of a shitbag derelict. You are, to be quite honest, are the only thing keeping me together. And I am still trying to figure this new lifestyle out, with moderate success. I am paying my bills, which is something. I also got two bedside tables for $10 a piece at Wal-Mart, so I am totally living the high-life.
One day you’re going to read this and think that I was a fucking mess, which is really the point of writing it all down, I guess. I want you to know what I’ve experienced in life. Also, you’ll see that I am a very different person in the future, because I know I will be. After all, I have not, as of yet, reached my final form. Today is just part of the journey, kiddo. But one thing is for certain, I am more in love with you today than I was yesterday, and tomorrow will be the same effect. You just keep being you, friend, and I’ll figure all this shit out and we’ll be money.