Roasting Marshmallows

Life is quite the roller coaster, kiddo. One day we are certain our little corner of the world is coming to an end, engulfed in flames. The next day you realize you had this big ass bag of extra-large mashmallows ready to be roasted. I realize that I am fairly ambiguous when it comes to writing to you, and one day I will be happy to fill in the gaps, but everything is still so fresh and new and hurty.

Sometimes, however, you are caught off guard. I met a woman.

I have no idea what that means yet, what she means yet, or if she will mean anything to you. By talking about it too much, I fear I may be organizing my eggs for basket-placement. So I will refrain and tell you what I do know:

I am scared shitless. Not because of her or because of you or because of me, but probably because of those three things combined. I have been reading articles and forums and how-tos about the best time and way to introduce someone new into your life. The truth is, at least as I have read, that no one really has a definitive answer. There is no proper way to handle this transition. In some ways, I have always wanted it to just be me and you fighting the odds, kicking ass, and just living life. We can lean on each other and just kick the shit out of life, you know? On the other hand there is a considerable chunk of me that is not being utilized when it is just the two of us. And it’s not my dick—although relevant (don’t tell your mother I said that).

I am a caring, considerate person. I am a “good guy.” I want to share my life and share you with someone else, but I don’t quite know how to do it quite yet. I am terrified by what it could mean. I am overthinking things, because I have a tendency—a life-long, almost debilitating tendency—to overthink. Some would say that it’s just me planning for the future, being logical, or maybe trying to determine the correct course of action. Others would say I am living too much in the future and not living for the moment. But this is very much who I am. My planning doesn’t exist on calendars, it exists in my feels.

So I am sitting here, writing to you, because I don’t know a better way to get all these things out; a better way to determine if my actions will lead you and I down the right road. But I am beginning to believe they are. The point is, I am the only one that has ever lived this life, so I am just flying blind. I have no idea what I am doing, but I can at least act like it, right?

So I am planning on this thing where you are going to meet her for the first time. And she is also flying blind, as are you. We’re all just idiots bumping into each other, really. So we’re going to have to work on this together, you and I. And her and I will have to work on this together, her and I. And we are going to have to work on this together, the three of us. It’s a brave new world, kiddo.

I will always do my best. But when I say that I will always do my best I mean it. You’re very important to me, and special and wonderful and beautiful.

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