I was thinking the other day that life is going to be pretty shitty for you starting around middle school. Fortunately for myself and my generation, we were able to go through the hardships of adolescents and puberty and leave little to no trace of it ever happening. Besides hair on the balls.

There is a gap in my life, when I look backwards through the social media world. Pretty much anything that happened before 2009 doesn’t exist. There are some highlights caught on camera, but when you’re trusting a child with a camera you get a lot of bullshit, which, again, is why your generation is going to be troubled.

There has been plenty of studies that have happened so far about social media’s impact on people’s lives. The whole FOMO (fear of missing out) thing has become popular lately. Then again, my generation is beginning to see social media as a dog and pony show, which is to say, of very little consequence. But you don’t know that yet. There are going to be plenty of opportunities for you to share your life on social media, pictures, blogs, videos… But the point is, honestly, no one gives a fuck.

I say that in the nicest way. Most people share pictures of their kids or graduating or new jobs, cars, vacations, mistresses… No one gives a fuck. The social media generation is nothing really more than the worst part person—the one-upper—with a microphone. Yes, everyone has their high points. Sometimes they take a cool photo doing the most incredible thing. But they also poop, eat french fries, get sick, binge Netlfix, fold laundry, eat more fries, vacuum, sing pop songs in their car alone, get crushed, then eat more fries. No one lives posh lives, friend. And if they do, they’re just asshole one-uppers that want attention. No One Gives A Fuck. Unless your last name is Kardashian, I guess. All assholes.

Back in my day (YESSssSss I get to use it now) social media was about sharing fun picture with your fun friends. You made memories and shared experiences together. Now it’s all about broadcasting what you have and which zip code you’re in. It’s our fault, really. We made it the thing. We doomed our children to a life of inescapable peer pressure. It’s going to sound crotchety and old and self-amused, but when we were young we had real connections with real people. The relationship wasn’t solely on a computer screen, it was lived in real life.

If Facebook still exists, you can look far back. All the way to the beginning of my Facebook and see how all the pictures inspired conversation. All of the pictures were the highlights to the life being lived. It wasn’t selfies and coffee cups and carefully curated plates and abs and clothing. We didn’t judge. Everything went on Myspace or Facebook. Because that was how we remembered the good times we were having. Not showing off how good our times we’ve had were.

I am going to do my best to steer you away from getting involved with social media. I will fail in my attempts, but at least I will try. Life doesn’t live on your smartphone, friend. In fact, the best times you will have are without it.

The point is, make your cupcakes that look like shit but taste like angel nipples. Enjoy your comfy clothes. Don’t fret the angle. Be yourself. Live.

Also, don’t include your face when you send dick pics. Only the dick. If you have identifiable tattoos around your dick, don’t include them. Just the shaft and head. Sometimes the balls, but if it’s a special request, because it’s hard to make balls look sexy, kid.

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