It’s been a bit. I’ve been a bit.
There are gaps in the story, my loves. There is a new equation. We’re operating with a X2 now my little lovelies. I realize the last 4 or 5 years have gone by quickly. I have learned a new favorite quote that does some justice: The days are long but the years are short.
The truth is that the years are very short. They’re missing me and I am already missing them, loves. My heart is full and I am happy. We have a new song to add to the mix, and this URL that has been purchased and utilized only tells a small portion of the life that is to be lived now. We have a little one on the way.
I am currently listening to “Gracie” by Ben Folds, and the original title to the blog was all about being a dad to a son. I never imagined there would be a new addition to the crew, and it would be a daughter. I am terrified. I am terrified, but there is optimism stuffed inside the restlessness and anxiety. I never used to be anxious. Fucking daddy issues, but from the source, my little cuties.
Little fella, I told your mom tonight that you’re the direct result to me being a real person. I became who I am because of you, and you will never know (I tell you now, and I will continue to do so) that you saved my life. You paved the way for this brave new world we find ourselves in. You are the reason for the joy I have now. You are the reason I will continue to strive to be the best possible human I can be. I fall short every day, and I still struggle with ideals. I cannot compete with the person I try to be. I will always be a failure in some regards. Maybe that’s okay.
Little lady, you’re going to be here soon. You’re going to be a giant pain in my ass. There will be sleepless nights. There will be plenty of soul-searching. There will be regrets and what-ifs and could’ve beens and if onlys. But, I have never wavered. I love the first of you both more than myself. I will love you the same. There will be nothing before you and nothing after you. I promise I will continue to try and be the best representation of myself. For you.
Now that we’re speaking to “yous” and not just “you,” my dears, there will be more to come. There will be more that needs to be said. There will be more that needs to be lived. We are, after all, the culmination of everything I have ever been. We are a family. We are whole. My entire life I never knew that I was missing parts of myself, I was incomplete, until now. Little one, you are the newest addition to the mess of Aaron’s Life: Unabridged. Welcome to the show.
We’re going to have a lot of things to discuss. In the event that I miss out on things, just know that I have already speculated on your entire life. I will do my best to ensure you become the person you should be. That is to say, the person you want to be. You’re in luck, in some regards. I am 90% great. I have inescapable failures, but I do my best to overcome them. Those failures will not be yours.
The world is a mess right now kiddo. You’re coming in a weird time. We live in “the greatest country in the world” but the greatest country in the world is, in fact, not the greatest country in the world. You’re coming in the height of human imagination and ingenuity and acceptance, but we’re so disparate from that dream. We, as a country and a world, are fractured. I will do my best to shelter you from all of this, but I can’t fix everything else. I can’t fix the way others act. You will be a woman born into the most progressive, but also the most dangerous world we’ve lived in. I feel like maybe I shouldn’t be more protective of you because you are going to be a woman in this world, but I don’t know if I can help it. You’re going to be my little girl, forever.
Despite trying to steer clear of the pink and lace, when I went shopping for clothes for you, I couldn’t help it. Those clothes are cute as fuck. You’re going to be adorable and you’re going to be adorable, albeit a giant pain in my ass.
I am no stranger to this game. I have raised a child before. Granted, your brother is only 6, but he’s such a grown up in his own regard. He’s caring and compassionate and considerate and kind. He is 100% the best possible representation of who I wish I could’ve been at his age and I only hope I have been able to shelter him from some of the same things that I already had experienced at his age that changed my life forever. I will do the same for you. The truth is, you will live your life and we’ll do our best, but shit happens and life happens. I have no doubt you will be great and do great things. If you’re anything like your mother, you will surpass all expectations.
I have said this before, but I will say it to you both now, lovelies, I only want you to be better than I am, than your parents. My goal as a parent is to provide the opportunity for you to be better than me, to be better than us. We’re (a group parenting unit) are going to do our best to ensure that you will outlive and out-succeed us. That doesn’t mean dollars in a bank, but it means a life lived. Make mistakes and make up for them. Make bad decisions and overcome them. Fail and learn how to overcome. Be crude and cruel and hateful and vindictive and learn that it brings you no happiness. Dwell in goodness and compassion and love and consideration. I believe in you both.
Little girl, welcome to the show. You’re about to have a very rude awakening. You’re going to be introduced to a whole new world (cue Alladin). You’re going to be tugged out of the safest place in existence and into a wide-open space full of dangers. The first stop, however, will be in the 2nd safest place in existence: my arms. I will do everything in my power to make sure you’re safe for every moment of your life.
To both kiddos, now, I make this promise: I will always be your greatest fan.